My Approaches to Holistic Counseling
You deserve to treat yourself with loving-kindness and compassion.
Loving-Kindness is the practice of being gentle, warm, and considerate toward yourself and others. (And in our polarized world today, this can be very helpful).
Loving-Kindness…
… increases positive emotion.
… decreases migraines, chronic pain, and PTSD.
… activates empathy.
… increases social connection.
… curbs self-criticism.
… reduces your bias toward others (the negative assumptions you make about others.)
Compassion is your ability to be sensitive to the pain of others (or your own) and desire to soothe and alleviate that suffering.
Compassion…
… increases your resiliency (your ability to feel pain and then return to well-being).
… allows all parts of your brain to work together to facilitate problem-solving.
… promotes meaningful connections with others.
… improves overall health and wellness.
“Pearls don’t lie on the seashore.
If you want one, you have to dive deep.”
–Chinese Proverb
Did you know there are pearls of wisdom in your pain?
Nature has an innate wisdom, and you are part of nature. So, you have this innate wisdom inside of you, too!
Let’s look at the wisdom of an oyster, for example.
Did you know that every pearl starts as an irritant? The oyster responds by secreting a protective fluid depositing layer upon layer of this protective coating. Eventually, a beautiful pearl emerges.
What if you learned to respond to the irritants in your life this way? When you coat the painful places inside of you with loving-kindness and compassion, eventually, a beautiful pearl of wisdom emerges that has great value.
Holistic Counseling explores the mental, emotional, and spiritual patterns keeping you “stuck.”
But there’s more to it than sitting on a couch, talking, and gaining insight!
Holistic counseling is experiential and embodied, so you learn where you store pain and stress inside of you. We’ll use exercises and visualizations to help you gain access to the root cause of whatever’s holding you back… so that you can heal and transform.
Of course, I want you to feel comfortable, too! So, curl up wherever you feel safe and sip a cup of tea or coffee while we connect.
Together we’ll use techniques and approaches to help you feel lighter, more hopeful, and connected to the world inside and outside of you.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
You are multifaceted like a diamond… with many parts inside of you.
IFS counseling is based on the idea that all of us have many parts inside of us. Upon reflection, you’ve probably said or thought something like…
A part of me wants to get up and exercise… but another part wants to zone out and watch Netflix.
A part of me wants to speak up… but another part’s telling me not to make a fuss.
A part of me wishes I could just start on this project… but another part keeps procrastinating.
When different parts of you are in conflict, you can feel stressed and uncomfortable (just like being around people arguing). And it’s even worse when the conflict is happening inside your head!
When two parts are warring inside you, another part usually steps up to distract you from this stress. You might recognize this part as the voice that says:
Where’s the ice cream?
Let’s have a glass of wine!
Let’s go shopping!
What’s happening on my social media feeds?
If you’re struggling with a part of you that is critical, controlling, or behaves in an embarrassing or another distasteful way, remember that it’s just a part of you. It’s not ALL of who you are!
There’s a part of you that has never been hurt, rejected, or shamed in any way.
This is your true Self. Your true Self has the innate capacity to be compassionate toward other parts of you and heal your inner wounds.
Once we help you connect with your true Self, powerful transformation will occur, even if you’ve experienced a lot of pain in your life.
Now, you might doubt this part of you exists, but I can promise you it does! I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t have this part inside of them, longing to be discovered, and I’ve been a social worker and holistic counselor for over 25 years!
IFS is an approach to healing that recognizes that every part of you has a purpose and a positive intention. At one time, you responded in a certain way to help you cope with a stressful situation you didn’t know how to handle. But now, when you respond in the same way, this may no longer serve you and even create challenges in your life. IFS is a way of getting all your parts to work together in one harmonious system instead of being in continuous conflict with each other. Most importantly, IFS helps you access your true Self, the part of you that accepts, soothes, and heals any wounded part of you that needs your loving attention.
Gestalt Therapy
The German word “Gestalt” has no equivalent in English.
Gestalt refers to the cyclical nature of our life experiences and the idea that “the whole is more than the sum of its parts.”
That’s true for you, too. You are much more than the sum of all your life experiences.
You probably had experiences in life where you didn’t get your needs met.
Those unmet needs create “unfinished business” that result in behaviors and patterns of relating that continuously disrupt your ability to get your needs met now in the present.
Usually, we aren’t even aware of how and when this happens. That’s why we end up recreating similar situations in life, despite our best intentions. Gestalt techniques allow us to recognize and correct those patterns and “finish” what was left “unfinished.”
The “gestalt” is the full-circle event that allows healing and growth to occur.
Think of people or circumstances that activate your unfinished business as “gifts” from the universe.
For example, you may have thoughts like:
My boss reminds me of my father. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough.
My coworker reminds me of my sister. She always interrupts me and takes all the attention.
When I’m around someone stylish, I feel my mother’s disapproval about what I’m wearing.
Life will keep bringing you opportunities to address your unfinished business. You can learn to respond differently, shift old patterns inside you, and finally get your needs met.
Gestalt therapy techniques are experiential, and they can free you from resentments and burdens you’ve been carrying for a lifetime!
Mindfulness and Somatic Awareness
You can’t change something if you aren’t aware of it.
The word “mindful” means “to be aware.” Mindfulness techniques are ways to develop awareness about yourself and your inner world. Practicing mindfulness helps you notice what you’re focusing your attention on and how that is affecting you.
These techniques help you stay in the present moment… instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
When you’re able to focus on what’s right here and right now – and you notice with curiosity (not judgment) what you’re investing your energy into – you can better evaluate whether these things are serving you well.
You have space to observe what’s happening… instead of being stuck in the middle of it with no clarity. Awareness illuminates what needs loving attention inside of you. This is how healing begins.
“Awareness is like the sun. When it shines on things,
they are transformed.”
–Thich Nhat Hanh
Did you know that when you feel an emotion, you experience it in your body, not in your head?
The word “somatic” means “of the body.” Somatic awareness techniques are ways to develop awareness of what you are experiencing in your body.
It helps to think of your emotions as energy in motion. Your emotions are fluid and move about as messengers, letting you know you have a need.
If you feel angry, you need to be heard, and you need your boundaries respected.
If you feel sad, you need comfort.
If you feel afraid or anxious, you need safety.
Your emotions are your inner compass…
They help you navigate your inner world, guiding you from where you are to where you want to be.
Your emotions are meant to be expressed so that they can be transformed into another form of energy that your system can use. Ignoring your emotions doesn’t make them disappear; they just get stored in your body, waiting for you to listen to their message.
If you suppress your emotions long enough…
The energy stops flowing, gets stuck in your body, and eventually manifests as symptoms that require your attention.
If you have a pattern of avoiding painful feelings, it’s probably because it wasn’t safe or beneficial for you to express them at some point in your life.
Learning to identify and express your feelings and listen to your needs is the foundation of respecting yourself and building self-esteem.
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) for Couples
If you want to heal your relationship, you must shift your focus from ME to WE.
But this is hard to do!
You might even be thinking, “That’s what’s wrong with my relationship: It’s never about me and what I need!”
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) teaches you how to restore your connection to your partner with love and respect. You learn how to listen to each other and help your needs met.
RLT invites you to ask your partner, “How can I help you to help me?”
These five losing strategies get in the way for many couples:
Needing to be right.
Controlling your partner.
Unrestrained, harmful self-expression.
Retaliation.
Withdrawal.
Do you recognize any of these in your relationship?
RLT can give you the tools you need to heal long-standing issues that have harmed your relationship, whether you are on the verge of dissolving your relationship, stuck in anger and control, settled in a safe but unfulfilling relationship, or just longing to reconnect with the person you fell in love with.
We all form long-term relationships with partners who mirror unfinished business from childhood.
This might be unsettling to hear, but it’s true without exception. We are often unconsciously drawn to someone who appears different from any unfinished business from our past… but is similar enough to trigger the exact dynamics of those unresolved childhood experiences.
That’s why couples therapy requires exploring your family history and helping you heal the parts of you that were wounded. The wounded parts of you usually show up when there is conflict in your relationship. You’re not conscious of how often this happens most of the time.
For example:
You might say to your partner, “I never know what’s going on inside of you. You always clam up, and we never resolve anything.”
Your partner might reply, “I’m not bothering to respond anymore because it will just make you angry, and I just can’t deal with your anger anymore.”
Maybe what’s really happening is…
There’s an angry eight-year-old (who was never listened to), and this is the part of you arguing with your partner’s wounded seven-year-old (who learned to be quiet and stay invisible to avoid anger outbursts).
In these moments, two wounded children are arguing, neither of whom has the wisdom or resources available to them that the adult part of you does.
RLT will help you resolve and heal painful experiences from your past that are impacting your relationship. You will be better able to navigate conflict in a way that allows you to grow closer together… not farther apart.
Are you ready to feel lighter and happier, increase your confidence, improve your relationships, and free yourself from pain?
Holistic counseling can identify and heal the patterns that are keeping you stuck.
Call me now to schedule your free 15-minute consultation, so I learn more about how I can help. Then once you feel comfortable, we’ll get started: (813) 336-2173.
